Love Letter

Dear eSuiters,

You might be wondering why I haven't responded to your repeated winks and messages. Within the list below, each of you will find one or more relevant answer(s) to that question.

1. You spend two paragraphs on your profile telling me about your virginity. You love Jesus, we get it.

2. In your message to me, you used 'lol' anywhere from 3 to 12 times.

3. You are 7 feet tall and I'm not sure how I feel about dating a giant yet. Although you did lead me to google, "how many 7 ft tall people in the world". So that was cool.

4. You have a large head and eyes the size of raisinettes. (sorry, it's true)

5. Based on the 9 photos you display on your profile, you spent all the shirt money your mom gave you on hair gel.

6. You're 42 years old. If you had been cool enough to get laid in high school, your child would be my age. Plus you look like an old man version of Pauly Shore.

7. You are holding what appear to be different babies in all of your photos and say you have no children now but would love to someday. So then, who are those babies? How are you friends with that many babies? Give the babies back to their real owners.

8. For fun you like to "hold doors for strangers", "lend a hand to someone in need", "be a good role model" and "water ski". Go fuck yourself.

9. Unsolicited, you shared via a personal message to me (among other things that fall into the I don't need to know this category) that you're favorite color is blue-green.

10. Your favorite band is Creed.

Give me a few weeks and increased desperation may lead me to rethink some of these deal breakers, but for now I'm going to stand firm. Good luck with; your internet motorcycle business / keeping your V-card / fucking yourself / stealing babies / owning things that are blue-green / etc.

HAGS,
JBird