As it turns out, I was already signed up on an internet dating site. Note: We will call this site Dating Site 1 so that when my blog gets so huge and billions of people are all up on it I won't get sued or anything for all the bad things I say. I signed up as man seeking woman because a friend and I were convinced that our other friend was lying about how she met the dudes she was dating. Yeah I know that was so crazy / mean / awesome of us. Anyways, our investigation came to a halt after we realized just how many single 24 year old online daters there were in the DC area. So since I was already signed up, Dating Site 1 is where I decided to start. I signed up but did not create a profile - not quite ready to commit yet. So, this way I can just look at men's profiles and get a feel for how terrible this might be.
I must digress a bit to explain my first major take away from internet dating. The topic: Vanity license plates. An incredible medium in that they allow horrendous people to go ahead and proclaim to the general public - "Here I am! I'm one of those vanity license plate people, I'm a totally awful addition to your community! Don't you love my GR8 BMR?!". And you're thinking, "No, no, my dad/uncle/family friend is just really wealthy and puts his initials and a number on his plates." Unless this person has so many automobiles that they must be labeled or else he will...nope, no, still can't think of a justification*. But really, who doesn't love driving down the road with a friend and having a little giggle fest at the expense of KKN AZZ or IMTPLS**? What could be better you ask? Answer: internet dating usernames. Since I have just entered the world of online dating, this phenomenon is all new to me. Please enjoy a few of my favorites. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.
pecan2cool. Are you a pecan and you're too cool? Do you just really love pecans? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued, but still.
V8foryoursoul. How bout some V8 for your dick, idiot. (I don't know why but that's the only comment that came to mind)
mrdurr. Is that supposed to read "murder"? I love going on dates with guys I meet on the internet named Murder, yea, uh huh…OR is it "Mister Durr"? That could be quite different.
mapleflavor. Not sure what this means, but I love syrup. He maybe just made my short list.
MrBoatShoes1328. What!? Soul mate! You must be so fratty mr. boat shoes. You must wear them all the time, even in the winter. Hey, you might even have a boat…but probably not. Yea I already dated you a few times in college so we're good.
brochocho. Hehehe.
heartonsleave79. How does your mind read that one? Because I maybe read that as heart ons leave. And thought he was sharing that he has trouble sustaining an erection. But he maybe also could have meant heart on sleave. As in he wears his heart on his sleeve but he can't spell sleeve? So we have dual meanings here. This guy's multi dimensional fo sho.
I'm only on page 30 of 80 so there's still going to be a lot of judging to do before I can admit defeat, sign up, and hopefully become Mrs. Durr…unless he didn't mean Mr. Durr in which case, oopsie dead daisy.
* One group is allowed to have vanity plates. Cute elderly people. This includes sweet grandmas and confused old men.
**IMTPLS - Get it??? Say it slower. They drive a convertible - topless!! Ahhh that's so clever and hilarious! Holy shit I'm going to die that is so effin clever and hilarious!!! I wish I were cool enough to drive a Chrysler Sebring convertible too! Damn!
Tomorrow I will commit to a site and create a profile. Between now and then I need to find a way to take pictures of myself doing fun and interesting things so that I seem adventurous and worldly. The farther this goes, the funnier / more concerning it will become - so please stay tuned!
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