"I'll be the one wearing a backpack"

I felt great about my decision to go on a date with the cheese importer. That is, until he wrote me to confirm the time and let me know he would be the guy wearing the backpack. I'm trying to be open minded, but let's look at the facts. I am meeting this guy at a wine bar at 9:00 PM on a Friday night. He is 32 years old. He is going to be wearing a backpack.

I think this is a good time to pull out the old jump to conclusions mat. Why is CheesePimp (that's not his real user name but I wish it was) going to be wearing a backpack on our date / what is in the effing backpack?

1. He's a workaholic and so the backpack is full of cheese that he peddles on the streets of Chicago. If this is the case, maybe I can have a dramatic "why do you always choose your work over me!" outburst in the middle of the wine bar.
2. He's homeless. The backpack serves as his traveling bedroom. ("In the foster home my hair was my room.")
3. Thirty-two year old, probably lonely, man carrying a backpack - obviously he is a terrorist. Just kidding, he's white. Just kidding again, there was the unabomber that one time and he was white. Just kidding, seriously though I'm not racist.
4. He's a hipster-type and wears his backpack while riding his fixed gear bike through the city. I'd rather it be 1 - 3.
5. The backpack is empty. He will drop it off in a phone booth after he abducts me. You will find the backpack, fill it with unmarked bills and leave it in the men's bathroom at Jamba Juice in order to ensure my safe return. (I don't know if that's funny or if maybe it's just likely enough to be not okay to joke about, oh well)
6. The backpack is full of silly bands and (Oprah voice) YOU'RE ALL GETTING ONE!!!!!!

I can't wait to find out if one of those is right or if it turns out to be something different that I don't even know about yet. Had I known this sooner I would have really embraced this backpack thing and worn one myself. But with only a days notice my mom won't have time to fedex my Claire's mini backpack. It's purple, with a brown suede flap. It looked effin bad ass with my mini watch mood ring circa 1996.

But seriously, why the ef is he going to be wearing a backpack? Please weigh in. (If you say something that reasonably explains the backpack I'm going to be upset.)