This could have also been titled; Inappropriate Times to Show Cremated Dog Remains to a Guest. Where's Emily Post when you need her...
I'm sure I have you all (all two of you, that is) on the edge of your seats in suspense, waiting to hear how Christmas with the new boyfriend went. In all honesty, it was a bit of a snooze fest. I didn't start dating someone else before he arrived and this boyfriend doesn't have any of the fun qualities (i.e. anger issues, poultry allergies, etc) that have made past experiences so noteworthy. Rather than bore you with a novel, allow me to give you the cliff's notes version of bringing home my most recent serious (had been dating two months) boyfriend.
Day 1
Boyfriend arrives. Parents' dog sniffs boyfriends crotch. Everyone giggles. Parents dog continues sniffing boyfriends crotch for entire trip. Parents laugh and say it's "normal puppy stuff". Boyfriend stays seated a lot with legs crossed.
Day 2
Family bowling trip. Boyfriend lets dad win first game. Later, while boyfriend is upstairs, Jbird removes urn containing cherished family dog remains from bookshelf and hides them in entertainment center.
Day 3
Mom tries to turn on television. Family argument erupts. Jbird yells, "PRESS TV THEN POWER" repeatedly while parents take off glasses, then put glasses back on, repeatedly while passing remote back and forth. Mom breaks the audio system. Boyfriend comes downstairs. Mom opens entertainment center. Something has distracted her from the TV situation. Jbird knows she should have hidden dog urn someplace else. Mom removes Ruby from entertainment center and presents her to boyfriend. "This is our dog, Ruby" she tells the bewildered house guest. Boyfriend kindly reads engraved placard aloud, "Ruby, Forever in our Hearts...that's nice". Mom takes back urn, cradles it in her arms, and places it back on the shelf next to a reindeer statue from Pottery Barn. Jbird recalls the Christmas when Ruby bit Grandma. Mom does not acknowledge the comment and Dad has already put on his noise canceling headphones even though he is seated in a room with three other people.
Day 4
Dad talks about how cool his Pandora stations are for ten minutes over breakfast. Jbird and boyfriend pack up and head to the airport. Awkward airport hugs and handshakes. Once inside the airport boyfriend tells Jbird he had a nice time and would love to do it again. Jbird is okay with the fact that boyfriend is a liar.
So there you have it. Boring, I know. But such is life.
Oh hey, I wanted to tell you about something I'm doing that I think you should read about. I really like tater tots and other things that mostly only fat people are into. So I'm writing a blog about it. If you don't have anything better to do, check out A Very Serious Blog About Tater Tots. Enjoy with ketchup.
I'm sure I have you all (all two of you, that is) on the edge of your seats in suspense, waiting to hear how Christmas with the new boyfriend went. In all honesty, it was a bit of a snooze fest. I didn't start dating someone else before he arrived and this boyfriend doesn't have any of the fun qualities (i.e. anger issues, poultry allergies, etc) that have made past experiences so noteworthy. Rather than bore you with a novel, allow me to give you the cliff's notes version of bringing home my most recent serious (had been dating two months) boyfriend.
Day 1
Boyfriend arrives. Parents' dog sniffs boyfriends crotch. Everyone giggles. Parents dog continues sniffing boyfriends crotch for entire trip. Parents laugh and say it's "normal puppy stuff". Boyfriend stays seated a lot with legs crossed.
Day 2
Family bowling trip. Boyfriend lets dad win first game. Later, while boyfriend is upstairs, Jbird removes urn containing cherished family dog remains from bookshelf and hides them in entertainment center.
Day 3
Mom tries to turn on television. Family argument erupts. Jbird yells, "PRESS TV THEN POWER" repeatedly while parents take off glasses, then put glasses back on, repeatedly while passing remote back and forth. Mom breaks the audio system. Boyfriend comes downstairs. Mom opens entertainment center. Something has distracted her from the TV situation. Jbird knows she should have hidden dog urn someplace else. Mom removes Ruby from entertainment center and presents her to boyfriend. "This is our dog, Ruby" she tells the bewildered house guest. Boyfriend kindly reads engraved placard aloud, "Ruby, Forever in our Hearts...that's nice". Mom takes back urn, cradles it in her arms, and places it back on the shelf next to a reindeer statue from Pottery Barn. Jbird recalls the Christmas when Ruby bit Grandma. Mom does not acknowledge the comment and Dad has already put on his noise canceling headphones even though he is seated in a room with three other people.
Day 4
Dad talks about how cool his Pandora stations are for ten minutes over breakfast. Jbird and boyfriend pack up and head to the airport. Awkward airport hugs and handshakes. Once inside the airport boyfriend tells Jbird he had a nice time and would love to do it again. Jbird is okay with the fact that boyfriend is a liar.
So there you have it. Boring, I know. But such is life.
Oh hey, I wanted to tell you about something I'm doing that I think you should read about. I really like tater tots and other things that mostly only fat people are into. So I'm writing a blog about it. If you don't have anything better to do, check out A Very Serious Blog About Tater Tots. Enjoy with ketchup.
