I met Stan through a mutual friend my senior year of college. He lived in Indianapolis, where he attended law school, and I was still at school in South Carolina. Having hit it off on our first meeting, we remained in touch, which led to him visiting me at school and me traveling to Indy for his annual law school formal. Over the course of the weekend I developed a serious crush. He was so cute and funny. He owned books and spoke in complete sentences. It was all so hypnotizing. His name was Rick and he was Stan's roommate. Oh what a pickle I had gotten into. Knowing that the roommate swap rarely happens without serious damage, I left Indy with no intentions of staying in contact with either of them. But while at the airport, enjoying a delicious cinnamon pretzel, I decided to friend request Rick. Fast forward over several drunk dials and countless IM conversations and I found myself in a relationship with Stan's roommate.
Several months into my relationship with Rick we decided it was time for him to meet the family. Thanksgiving seemed like the right sort of holiday for it, seeing as it is fairly low pressure, centered mostly around binge eating, etc. But as November rolled around I began noticing some things about Rick that seemed a bit off. Please understand that this relationship was one that I was committed to making work. While enjoying 'ritas and sizzling fajitas at a local Chili's, I even told my friend, Kathryn, that I thought he might be 'the one'. Having made such a bold claim I had no choice but to forge ahead with the relationship, red flags and all.
Red Flags One Ought Not Look Past
- Boy approaches intersection with girl in car on the way to girl's secret favorite restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings. Boy stops car late and blocks majority of cross walk. Homeless man waiting to cross street flails arms at boy while yelling about blocked cross walk. Boy rolls down window and yells something like, "F*CK YOU, YOU F'ING HOMELESS SH*T HEAD, YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE ALIVE YOU F'ING F'ER GODDDDD I F'ING HATE F'ING HOMELESS F*CK HEADS". Light turns green, boy rolls up window and continues yelling to girl about what a terrible waste of life the homeless man is and why he deserves to be dead for reacting to the blocked crosswalk. Girl is scared and can't stop laughing. Girl barely enjoys boneless asian zing wings.
- While visiting boy's alma matar for a football weekend, boy takes girl to boy's fraternity house for post game fun times. Boy asks random current brother for a beer. Current brother says they are in basement and that boy is welcome to go get as many as he would like. Boy yells at current brother for what he considers, 'total disrespect of an alum'. Boy makes girl leave. Girl has to quit dominating flip cup table. Boy preaches to girl about fraternity respect things for two hour drive home.
- Boy owned red bed sheets. Ew.
As we came closer to Thanksgiving and the inevitable trip home, I found myself becoming increasingly repulsed by Rick. I started noticing things outside of his anger issues that furthered my discomfort. It became clear he only had 5 shirts in his standard rotation and his blonde hair seemed to repel water, never actually looking clean. He bought a compact car. Ect.
The first day of our visit home went fairly well. I pretended to love him and he was on his best behavior. Shit started to get real on Thanksgiving morning. Rick claimed to be allergic to turkey. Thinking ahead, I shared this fact with my mom and she ordered a delicious honey baked ham. We both neglected to fill my father in on this detail. An insight on my father; at his mother's funeral, didn't shed a tear; upon presentation of the 2005 hickory smoked turkey, eyes welled up with tears of joy. I went outside to visit my father as he watched over our turkey and mentioned Rick's allergy. My father laughed to himself and said that he's never heard of anyone with a turkey allergy so it probably doesn't exist. So, as one might expect, during the meal my father insisted that Rick try a bite of his masterpiece. Rick nibbled on an edge of a slice and agreed it was excellent turkey. Noting he had barely tried it, dad refrained from acknowledging Rick for the rest of his stay.
That evening I had a small group of friends over to hang out. We all go way back and while the conversation began with them trying to get to know Rick, it quickly turned towards topics that didn't include him. Over a three hour period, while a group that included my parents, visited and sipped beverages, Rick slammed 8-10 cans of Milwaukee's Best. No one who was there that night, much less my family, even knows where he found the case of Beast. At any rate, he pouted the whole time and after the guests left he spent an hour explaining why they were all terrible people for not caring more about his being editor in chief of the law review, blah blah blah.
The next morning my mother told me, in the nicest way possible, that my little boyfriend has a drinking problem.
Shockingly, we didn't actually break up until New Year's followed by a relapse with a final break up just before summer. Some are harder to get rid of than others. By this point I had created a track record of sorts - bringing the boyfriend home during the demise of the relationship. But I somehow managed to block that out and invited then unemployed new boyfriend home for Christmas just two months into our dating. The final installment of this trilogy will cover that, not to worry.
