Boyz II NopeSorryStillBoyz

Look, I’m not a “feminist” or a “lesbian” or whatever they are calling it these days.  And no, I’m not fat or single; and although I’ve considered it, I don’t own a cat (yet).  It also just so happens that my father did come to all of my childhood soccer games and recitals (translated: children’s theater productions of Gypsy), so no latent issues there either.  With that said, I really need to get something off of my chest -- twenty something guys really need to quit acting like 14 year olds.

A lot of people who agree with this sentiment will blame the parents or Seth Rogen or democrats, but I think all of that is crap.  Who/what is really to blame?  I think it all started with AOL Instant Messenger and maybe the Nokia 5190.

I’m twenty five, so back when I was in middle school AOL Instant Messenger (or AIM as it would be known) was all the rage.  Come home from school, hop on AIM, maybe throw up an away message with a cool Blink 182 quote or something, I dunno, whatever you were in the mood for, and let the games begin.  My handle was hessiehannah, or, I’m sorry, let me be more accurate, it was, hEsSiEhAnNaH.  My buddy list was pretty extensive, hoops2185 IMed me a lot, no big deal.

Chatting on AIM made it pretty easy for 14 year old boys to manage gf’s with little to no effort.  Scared boys calling the house and asking for you became more and more rare.  And if it wasn’t bad enough; enter the Nokia 5190 - we appreciate Snake, but text messaging?  Did you have to?  Sure, it would be a few years before text messaging became the preferred method of communication, but the ball was in motion.  

I don’t want to digress too much into the topic of text messaging but here it is: there is a time, a place, and a method for utilizing text messaging as a form of communication.  You are on the train and want to let your friend know you are running late - send a text.  You want to wish someone happy birthday, you don’t really like the person but you know they will be offended by a facebook wall post alone - send a text.  You are on your period and a terrible person and you want to give your boyfriend a massive headache - sure, send a vague text that reads something like, “i just wish u would care more”.  You’d like to see the girl you met over the weekend again and maybe get a drink with her - slow down quick thumbs - call the stupid girl. 

And I know, “but she texts me and doesn’t call, it’s a two way street”. Yea, see, the thing is, no it’s not.  And she’s probably retarded, but that’s not what this essays about, so just deal with it.  It’s very simply, you like a girl --> you call her (maybe you even have to get her number from one of your friends, unless you are a creep it really won’t be creepy) --> you tell her in real words that you would like to do something with her --> you tell her what that something is, when you would like it to happen, etc --> you wait for her response --> she says yes --> you do what you said you were going to do when you said you were going to do it.  It’s really that simple.  

I’ll go one step further.  You like her, dates gone well, you maybe want to touch her boob or do it with her someday?  Then don’t have more than a couple of drinks and do make a move on her at some point.  I don’t care what your move is, just grow a pair and try to make out with the girl.  If she rejects you, good for you, now you don’t have to spend more money on salads and white wine for a girl who is either a frigid bitch or just doesn’t really feel attracted to you.  If you don’t get rejected, way to go, a semi-sober make out probably means there is a good chance she might touch your penis in the future.

I realize boys don’t read this blog, so I’m speaking to an imaginary target here, but oh well.  At least I feel better now.

That’s all.

P.S. I date a total man-boy.  He never really had to step up in a big way and he still gets to do it on a fairly regular basis.  But, keep in mind, we were friends for FIVE years before we started dating and doing it.  Do you really want to talk on the phone with a girl about how shitty the guy she’s dating is and help her when she moves for YEARS before you get anywhere? Didn’t think so.  Note: My man-boy was doing a lot of other girls in between chatting with me on the phone and driving me places during that five year stretch, so don’t feel bad for him or anything.  He’s straight. 

Bringing Home Boyfriend Part III

This could have also been titled; Inappropriate Times to Show Cremated Dog Remains to a Guest.  Where's Emily Post when you need her...


I'm sure I have you all (all two of you, that is) on the edge of your seats in suspense, waiting to hear how Christmas with the new boyfriend went.  In all honesty, it was a bit of a snooze fest.  I didn't start dating someone else before he arrived and this boyfriend doesn't have any of the fun qualities (i.e. anger issues, poultry allergies, etc) that have made past experiences so noteworthy.  Rather than bore you with a novel, allow me to give you the cliff's notes version of bringing home my most recent serious (had been dating two months) boyfriend.


Day 1
Boyfriend arrives.  Parents' dog sniffs boyfriends crotch.  Everyone giggles.  Parents dog continues sniffing boyfriends crotch for entire trip.  Parents laugh and say it's "normal puppy stuff".  Boyfriend stays seated a lot with legs crossed.


Day 2
Family bowling trip.  Boyfriend lets dad win first game.  Later, while boyfriend is upstairs, Jbird removes urn containing cherished family dog remains from bookshelf and hides them in entertainment center.


Day 3
Mom tries to turn on television.  Family argument erupts.  Jbird yells, "PRESS TV THEN POWER" repeatedly while parents take off glasses, then put glasses back on, repeatedly while passing remote back and forth.  Mom breaks the audio system.  Boyfriend comes downstairs.  Mom opens entertainment center.  Something has distracted her from the TV situation.  Jbird knows she should have hidden dog urn someplace else.  Mom removes Ruby from entertainment center and presents her to boyfriend.  "This is our dog, Ruby" she tells the bewildered house guest.  Boyfriend kindly reads engraved placard aloud, "Ruby, Forever in our Hearts...that's nice".  Mom takes back urn, cradles it in her arms, and places it back on the shelf next to a reindeer statue from Pottery Barn.  Jbird recalls the Christmas when Ruby bit Grandma.  Mom does not acknowledge the comment and Dad has already put on his noise canceling headphones even though he is seated in a room with three other people.


Day 4
Dad talks about how cool his Pandora stations are for ten minutes over breakfast.  Jbird and boyfriend pack up and head to the airport.  Awkward airport hugs and handshakes.  Once inside the airport boyfriend tells Jbird he had a nice time and would love to do it again.  Jbird is okay with the fact that boyfriend is a liar.  


So there you have it.  Boring, I know.  But such is life.  


Oh hey, I wanted to tell you about something I'm doing that I think you should read about.  I really like tater tots and other things that mostly only fat people are into.  So I'm writing a blog about it.  If you don't have anything better to do, check out A Very Serious Blog About Tater Tots.  Enjoy with ketchup. 

Thanksgiving 2009: The year I brought home the rageaholic who was allergic to turkey.

I met Stan through a mutual friend my senior year of college.  He lived in Indianapolis, where he attended law school, and I was still at school in South Carolina.  Having hit it off on our first meeting, we remained in touch, which led to him visiting me at school and me traveling to Indy for his annual law school formal.  Over the course of the weekend I developed a serious crush.  He was so cute and funny.  He owned books and spoke in complete sentences.  It was all so hypnotizing. His name was Rick and he was Stan's roommate.  Oh what a pickle I had gotten into.  Knowing that the roommate swap rarely happens without serious damage, I left Indy with no intentions of staying in contact with either of them.  But while at the airport, enjoying a delicious cinnamon pretzel, I decided to friend request Rick.  Fast forward over several drunk dials and countless IM conversations and I found myself in a relationship with Stan's roommate.

Several months into my relationship with Rick we decided it was time for him to meet the family.  Thanksgiving seemed like the right sort of holiday for it, seeing as it is fairly low pressure, centered mostly around binge eating, etc.  But as November rolled around I began noticing some things about Rick that seemed a bit off.  Please understand that this relationship was one that I was committed to making work.  While enjoying 'ritas and sizzling fajitas at a local Chili's, I even told my friend, Kathryn, that I thought he might be 'the one'.  Having made such a bold claim I had no choice but to forge ahead with the relationship, red flags and all.

Red Flags One Ought Not Look Past

1. Boy approaches intersection with girl in car on the way to girl's secret favorite restaurant, Buffalo Wild Wings.  Boy stops car late and blocks majority of cross walk.  Homeless man waiting to cross street flails arms at boy while yelling about blocked cross walk.  Boy rolls down window and yells something like, "F*CK YOU, YOU F'ING HOMELESS SH*T HEAD, YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO BE ALIVE YOU F'ING F'ER GODDDDD I F'ING HATE F'ING HOMELESS F*CK HEADS".  Light turns green, boy rolls up window and continues yelling to girl about what a terrible waste of life the homeless man is and why he deserves to be dead for reacting to the blocked crosswalk.  Girl is scared and can't stop laughing.  Girl barely enjoys boneless asian zing wings.
2. While visiting boy's alma matar for a football weekend, boy takes girl to boy's fraternity house for post game fun times.  Boy asks random current brother for a beer.  Current brother says they are in basement and that boy is welcome to go get as many as he would like.  Boy yells at current brother for what he considers, 'total disrespect of an alum'.  Boy makes girl leave.  Girl has to quit dominating flip cup table.  Boy preaches to girl about fraternity respect things for two hour drive home.
3. Boy owned red bed sheets.  Ew.

As we came closer to Thanksgiving and the inevitable trip home, I found myself becoming increasingly repulsed by Rick.  I started noticing things outside of his anger issues that furthered my discomfort.  It became clear he only had 5 shirts in his standard rotation and his blonde hair seemed to repel water, never actually looking clean.  He bought a compact car.  Ect.

The first day of our visit home went fairly well.  I pretended to love him and he was on his best behavior.  Shit started to get real on Thanksgiving morning.  Rick claimed to be allergic to turkey.  Thinking ahead, I shared this fact with my mom and she ordered a delicious honey baked ham.  We both neglected to fill my father in on this detail.  An insight on my father; at his mother's funeral, didn't shed a tear; upon presentation of the 2005 hickory smoked turkey, eyes welled up with tears of joy.  I went outside to visit my father as he watched over our turkey and mentioned Rick's allergy.  My father laughed to himself and said that he's never heard of anyone with a turkey allergy so it probably doesn't exist.  So, as one might expect, during the meal my father insisted that Rick try a bite of his masterpiece.  Rick nibbled on an edge of a slice and agreed it was excellent turkey.  Noting he had barely tried it, dad refrained from acknowledging Rick for the rest of his stay.  

That evening I had a small group of friends over to hang out.  We all go way back and while the conversation began with them trying to get to know Rick, it quickly turned towards topics that didn't include him.  Over a three hour period, while a group that included my parents, visited and sipped beverages, Rick slammed 8-10 cans of Milwaukee's Best.  No one who was there that night, much less my family, even knows where he found the case of Beast.  At any rate, he pouted the whole time and after the guests left he spent an hour explaining why they were all terrible people for not caring more about his being editor in chief of the law review, blah blah blah.

The next morning my mother told me, in the nicest way possible, that my little boyfriend has a drinking problem.

Shockingly, we didn't actually break up until New Year's followed by a relapse with a final break up just before summer.  Some are harder to get rid of than others.  By this point I had created a track record of sorts - bringing the boyfriend home during the demise of the relationship.  But I somehow managed to block that out and invited then unemployed new boyfriend home for Christmas just two months into our dating.  The final installment of this trilogy will cover that, not to worry.

Bringing Home Boyfriend

Some of you may be thinking, "Wait…what?  You just started dating this person and you are already bringing him home to meet the parents?  Isn't it a little soon for that?"  You would be correct.  After dating my boyfriend, let's call him Driz, officially for less than two months, he flew across the country to spend part of the Christmas holiday with my family.  I have a tendency to fast track relationships to the 'meet the parents' stage a bit prematurely.  This, combined with the fact that I'm very fickle has caused a lot of uncomfortable visits.  Two situations come to mind immediately…(chimes sound effect signal a flashback memory sequence right…now.)

I had just broken up with Todd, my high school boyfriend who I followed to college in South Carolina (that story is for another time children), and in typical Jbird fashion, I was hot on the trail for my next relationship.  Enter Don.  Two reasons Don seemed like a good fit at the time.  One, he was bff with one of my bff's bfs; double dates at Ruby Tuesday's - YES PLEASE.  And two, if I squinted my eyes he looked like a slimmed down version of Todd, who I was still very attracted to.  It was nearing the end of spring semester and Don was set to start pharmacy school, four hours away, that next fall.  So, having dated casually for several weeks, we made plans to continue our relationship and make long distance work.  

A mix tape (cd) exchange, a teary good bye, and I was on the road back to Texas.  Within a few days of being apart, Don had purchased a plane ticket to visit me.  A plane ticket for a flight FOUR WEEKS AWAY.  A lot can happen in four weeks.  Enter Hunter.  Hunter had a boat.  It was the summer time.  Teaser for future Hunter stories: when he liked something he would use expressions like, "sweet ass sweet" to describe them.  Deciding that suffering through four terribly awkward days of having a boy who I had no interest in staying in my home, would be better than calling him and telling him not to come, he boarded a flight bound for Houston.  It's worth mentioning that this was his FIRST TIME ON AN AIRPLANE; he was 21 at the time.  I told Hunter I would be busy for a few days and planned a lot of structured activities for Don and I.  

The airport greeting included a closed beak Jbird kiss and a presentation of gifts from Don.  The gifts included a picture of us inside a frame decorated with mementos from our love story (i.e. a Hootie and the Blowfish concert ticket, a bottle cap from a beer I once drank, etc) and a set of South Carolina coasters.  From the airport, I brought him over to my friend Lauren's house to swim and have lunch.  Over chicken tacos, he shared with Lauren and I that it's common knowledge that gay men are gay because, "their parents let them play with dolls and stuff when they were little."  Oh sweet Jesus I must have been very drunk back at school.  

Having no physical attraction to this person, whom I was slowly beginning to believe might be gay, I avoided all contact.  Noticing this he said, "I think it's sweet that you are so respectful of your parents that we can't kiss on the lips in their home".  Don was really doing most of the work for me by this point.  Over those four days we saw three movies, one museum exhibit, two sporting events, and spent all remaining moments in the company of my parents and / or friends who owed me favors.  My mother loved him more than all of the suiters that came before him (or since him for that matter).  She also had suspicions regarding his sexuality.  When recently asked about Don, my father did not recall his existence or his stay at our home.

After dropping him off at the airport I made plans to meet up with Hunter and I never spoke to Don again.  It's possible that Don and I are still dating.

Lesson learned…not quite.  Two years later, a much wiser Jbird invited anger problem Rick to join her in Texas for Thanksgiving.  Stay tuned for that tale as well as the culmination of this series, a Texas Christmas with the Current Future Mr. Jbird.

Mix Tape (CD) from Don Song List

Aint No Mountain High Enough Marvin Gaye

Anything But Mine Kenny Chesney
Double Shot (Of My Baby's Love) The Swingin' Medallions
Good Morning Beautiful Steve Holy
How Forever Feels Kenny Chesney
Irish Instrumental Boondock Saints Soundtrack
Lean on Me Bill Withers
Mud on the Tires Brad Paisley
Sexual Healing Ben Harper
She's Got a Way Billy Joel
She's Got it All Kenny Chesney
Simply Beautiful Al Green
Steal My Kisses Ben Harper
Two Princes The Spin Doctors
Walker, Texas Ranger Theme Song
Wonderful World Sam Cooke
Wrapped Up in You Garth Brooks
Yes! Chad Brock
39-21-46 The Showmen

Happy Birfday, Go Fuck Yaself.

I'm not a huge fan of birthdays in general; my own or anyone else's really.  It's a nice excuse to drink and eat in excess and I do like that everyone gets an equal opportunity at a birthday celebration (unlike weddings, Quinceaneras and Bat Mitzvahs which are all higher on my shit list) but overall I think they are retarded.

At any rate, I just celebrated my 25th birthday and amidst all the balloons and sobbing, I paused to reflect upon my first 25 years on this planet.  I wanted to make a list of 25 positive accomplishments I can claim as a 25 year old.  Unfortunately I could only think of 15, so that will have to do.  If you all want to help complete this list please feel free.

25 Accomplishments at 25

1.  I earned an undergraduate degree from a real college. 

2. I am employed (for now)

3. I have a healthy credit score.

4. I have countless (translated: six) friends.

5. I have an ever expanding collection of decorative birds.

6. I have a netflix account AND dvr.

7. I have a pseudo-boy friend (that I did not meet on the internet).

8. I hold Executive Premier status on America's #1 airline network.

9. I'm not pregnant.

10. I'm moderately attractive.

11. I have a superb singing voice.

12. I make awesome paper dolls.

13. I make the funniest Brett Favre penis jokes of any girl I know.

14. My hybrid gets 37 mpg.

15. I'm being told I look exactly like Amy Poehler less and less frequently.

Some of you may be wondering about #7.  It's true.  My internet dating accounts have been suspended.  Wanna know what happens when you have exhausted every dating option available and find yourself alone and scared?  You lower the friend zone gates and date the only straight guy best friend still standing.  "Oh no JBird, what if it doesn't work out and you mess up your long standing friendship?".  To that I say mind your own beeswax betch.  So what am I going to write about now?  Well, I'm dating my best guy friend who lives in his dad's basement and often can be found lounging in a camo snuggie.  I think I'll have something for you.  Stay tuned.

I hope the person next to me was reading over my shoulder.

I hate going to the lady doctor.  Not because of the getting a telescope shoved up a small opening part.  And no, not because I always end up saying something really weird and terribly not funny when they ask whether or not I am sexually active.  Example: "Not really, I mean no, I mean I have, tons in college, oh and after college too, just not really lately, see my ex-boyfriend was a virgin, but the one before him - WOAH not at all, so yea, but I'm not a slut or anything, not that having lots of sex makes a girl a slut, such a double standard, oh my god your scrubs are so cute, where did you get them? SEX!"

At any rate, I have a retard ovary that gets excited and flips over sometimes.  So I get a bit of anxiety going to the vaj doctor.  In order to calm my anxieties I decided to get some thoughts down on paper while sitting in the waiting room.  I've met a lot of men over the past couple of months, both on the internet and in real life.  So I decided to do a little comparison of the two groups.  I took a photo of my notes for your enjoyment. 

There's no real winner here.  Both sets of gentlemen make me want to buy a couple of cats and start shopping at The Dress Barn or just light my face on fire.  But I'll let you decide for yourself. 

Actual notes taken by JBird while in the vaj doctor waiting room; straight lines achieved by using magazine edge